I'm Not Gay!
by BithaBlu
Summary: When boredom ensues at the Brotherhood house, the guys check out FF.Net and find out what Evo-fans have to say about them. BB rating of OD for language and sexual themes.


A random PWP fic I thought up after reading some of Morwen's stuff and being really bored at work. BTW Since I can't get my stories to HTML (and therefore italicize Pietro's flow of speech) I'm stuck doing the run-on thing. Sorry. Oh, and please don't construe this as some backhanded, anti-homosexual story. I just read one of Morwen's Scott/Lance fics and wondered what Lance would think if he read it and didn't have any actual feelings for Scott besides competitive dislike. Thus and therefore, may I present;  
  
I'm Not Gay  
By BithaBlu  
  
It was another boring night at the Brotherhood house. The food was long gone and Pietro had already declared that he was not making any more grocery store runs. There was nothing on TV and no video games screamed to be played. So the brotherhood boys sat around in the living room trying to think of something to do.   
The Blob's wide mouth opened and the words, "We could go attack the X-geeks." fell out. The suggestion was, of course, met with a round of groans. The Blob's lips pursed together like two slabs of liver as he tried to figure out why his team members didn't like his idea.  
Toad rolled his eyes at Fred's confusion to their reaction. "Yo Freddy, are you nuts? They're all in that backwards prison they call home. And even if we could get through the security system, Wolverine will shishkibob us. And I don't think any of us are THAT bored yo."  
Pietro shot up and darted over to the computer. As he turned it on he called back rapidly over his shoulder. "WecouldgotoFF.netandseeifthere'reanygoodficsaboutusyet. Ibetthey'vegottenoverthatwholeKurttyphasebynow.Whaddayasay?" Without bothering to check with the others, his fingers flew over the keyboard and soon the o-so familiar FF.Net screen popped up. Quickly he clicked through and skimmed the first of the Evolution fics.   
By then the others had wandered over to the computer screen. "Anything good Pietro?," Lance asked. Words flew by and a rapid click-click sound filled the room, "Nothingyet. Kurtty. Kurtty. Newstudentthat'samutant. RogueandScott. Newstudentthat'samutant. Kurtty. Kurtty. Newstudentthat'samutant. Kurtty. Newstudentthat'samutant. Kurtty. Kurtty. AnotherRogueandScottparing. Kurtty. Newstudentthat'samutant. Kurtty. RogueandsomeguynamedRemy. OKdothesepeopleknowthatRoguecan'ttouchanyone? Kurtty. Kurtty. Newstudentthat'samutant. MoreKurttys. Whoa-" Pietro eyes lit up, "WhatisThis?!?" Wegotsomeficsboys!"  
They all crowded around the screen. "No fricking way yo! There are some fics about us?" Toad hopped up to get a better look as Lance bullied his way in front of the screen.  
Pietro shrugged as he quickly clicked through the first 300 or so Evolution fics. "Checkitoutyouguys! Toad'sgotafanbaseandtheythinkthatLancewouldriskitwithRogue. Theseguysarenuts. Ohwait- no. ApparentlyI'msomekindofsexgodnow. Everybodywantsme. Atleasttheygotthatright."  
Freddy wobbled a bit as he tried to keep up with Pietro's read and click tempo. "What's it say about me?" he asked.  
Pietro paused for a split second to glance back at the massive mutant. "They'vegotagoodhandleonyouBlob.Theywriteyouperfectly." Lance chuckled. "So that means, they write him as a wide-ass dumb ass that says nothing worth listening to. Right?" Pietro nodded and smirked in agreement before quickly returning to the keyboard.  
Clicking sounds filled the room again as Pietro continued to blaze through the Evo-section of FF.net. "Here'ssomemoreofthoseRogueandRemystories. Whoisthatdude? Hesoundscool. Ohshit! MassiveamountsofMarySues. Wierd. Toadstarsinmostofthemastheleadingman." Todd grinned cockily and preened. Pietro clicked faster "Here'ssomegoodstories. MeandtheMarySues. Theymaybepredictablebutdamniftheyain'tperfectlyfuckable. AnotherKurtty. AnotherToadfic. Moreofmeandeveryoneesle. SomemoreToadfics. HeyLance-here'soneaboutyou."  
Lance perked up and tried to catch a glimpse of the screen as Pietro clicked through and started reading. "Hey Quicky, slow down. I wanna read it. What's happening?"  
The others watched as Pietro speed through the first half of the story. "Whatthehellisgoingoninthisone? Iswearthiscan'tbewhatIthinkitis-" Pietro stopped dead and stared slack-jawed at the computer screen. Silence filled the room as Pietro stared, stunned, at the computer screen. Slowly (well, at least slowly for Pietro) Pietro scanned the rest of the story. He clicked through the next few stories and a tiny smirk appeared on his face. As he clicked through more stories the smirk grew. After a minute Pietro was shaking from laughing so hard. He turned to Lance and asked between bouts of laughter, "Lance *chuckle* I never kn-knew that's how you *snorts* like to- to *giggles* get your rocks off man."  
Lance looked at the semi-hysterical teen in bewilderment. "What the hell are you talking about?" Pietro waved his hand towards the screen with one hand and started laughing again. Lance's face darkened. "What the hell are they writing about me?" Pushing Pietro off his chair, Lance sat down and read over some of the last stories that Pietro had read. As Pietro lay on the floor rolling with laughter, Lance's jaw dropped. "What. The. Fuck?!?" Freddy and Todd tried to catch a glimpse of the screen but Lance shook the ground under thier feet and sent them to the floor.  
Toad jumped up onto the wall and tried to get a glimpse of what was making Lance turn bright red from anger and Pietro bright red from laughter. Peering around Lance's head he could make out a few words and phrases. "Yo Pietro, am I reading this right? I swear it has Lance bouncing the bedsprings with Summers." Todd shook his head as though trying to banish the imagery that popped into his head, "Tell me that's not what I'm seeing yo."  
Pietro sat up, clutching his stomache and nodded. "Andthegreatpartis, afterthefirsttwoorthreestories, nooneevenquestionsthatLanceisgay. Scottgetstobebi-sexualbut, everyonejustautomaticallyassumesthatLanceisgay- andthat *laughs* hehasthemostmassivecrushonCyclops.   
Pietro, Freddy and Todd bust out laughing as Lance glowered at them all. The ground began to rumble but the three giggling mutants ignored the shaking floor. "Shut up!" Lance roared, "I'm not fucking gay alright! God damn it! Stop laughing!"   
Freddy rolled over and sat up. "Hey Lance- where do ya think the fans got the idea from?" He chuckled again from the thought of Lance and Scott together and his wobbling rolls of fat created a quake that rivaled one of Lance's.  
Pietro leaped up and struck a pose of pondering. "Probably," he answered, "fromwhenwewentonthatsurvivalthing." Pietro giggled again. "Nowweknowwhywelosttherelayrace. LancewastoobusystaringatSummers'ass."  
Toad hopped over from the wall to the back of the couch. He clutched his hands together in a mock dramatic pose. "Oooh Sumners!," he warbled in a falsetto broken by laughter, "You can climb my mountain anytime!"  
In a burst of intelligence, Fred blurted out, "I bet those two in the river together was Lance's version of a wet dream."  
Lance glared at the three of them. "I'm not gay damnit. Just cause some bored fanfic writer thinks I'm that dumb doesn't mean I want to do- do" he sputtered, "WHATEVER with Summers. So just drop it. NOW!"  
As the laughter settled down Lance calmed down and sat in front of the computer screen to scan through the Evo-fics, praying that somewhere in there, there would be a fic that would prove to Pietro that not all of the writers thought he was crushing on Scott Summers.  
Toad watched Lance curiously as he read through the rest of the fics. A random thought crossed his mind and a wicked little grin appeared on Toad's face. From his spot on the couch he called out, "Hey Lance, what's your favorite season?" Lance stared at him blankly, not getting whatever joke was hopping around in Toad's magnificent brain. Shrugging Lance said, "I dunno. I guess summer is. Why?"  
Pietro snickered and smirked over at Freddy. Freddy, apparently getting the joke before Lance for once, chuckled and smirked as well. As he jumped up to the ceiling Toad's grin widened as he innocently asked, "So it could be safely said that you love summers?"  
"SHUT UP! I AM NOT GAY!!!" Lance's face turned bright red and he tried to grab the lovable amphibious mutant down from the ceiling, "I DO NOT HAVE A THING FOR SUMMERS! SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!"  
Pietro and Freddy fell off their chairs laughing as they watched Lance hopping up and down trying to grab Toad off of the ceiling. Finally he gave up at crossed his arms in a stance of uber-macho poutiness. He looked each one of his teammates coldly in the eyes and said in a clear and enuciated way. "I. Am. Not. Gay."  
Lance glared daggers at the screen one last time before stomping up the stairs muttering darkly. He slammed his door shut and flopped down on his bed. He lay there for a moment with his hands clasped behind his head trying to ignore the howls of laughter coming from around the computer down below. When that didn't work he rolled off his bed and walked over to the mirror hanging behind his door. He stared at his reflection and tried to make the most reassuringly masculine face as possible.  
"I'm NOT gay."  
  
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Good? Bad? Amusing? Trite? Review and justify my existence.  
  
  
  



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